Dear Japanese TV,

I've been seeing you now for the past 7 months and I think it is time we have a "DTR" (define the relationship) talk. At first I was taken with your bright colors and your strange language. You were uttering the answers to the mysterious of this universe...or so I thought. You introduced me to so many new ideas and ways of thinking I never thought possible. But now I find that things have gone astray. You no longer intrigue with me with your colors or your language. In fact I know much of what you are saying now. For the past seven months I have been studying your words diligenty trying to make sense in hope of finding answers to my deepest longings, but alas I feel betrayed!!

I should have realized the warning signs earlier before giving my heart so freely. They were clearly there. I mean, half of your channels are about people eating food, and the other half are people watching other people eating food. I should have known this relationship would not end well. I thought each word you spoke would lead me to wisdom and clarity, but no...half of your words make me want to punch my neighbors cat in the throat. I mean how many different ways can you say "delicious!" honestly! And how can everything you eat really make you look like you just won a million dollars while simultaneously being shocked with 10000 volts of electricity. I know that piece of kaarage was not "UMAI!!!!!!" it must have been sitting in the sun for days before that street vendor gave it to you. I know you are trying to make exciting programs that are entertaining for everyone. You are trying hard and for this I appreciate you. My soul is torn for you still hold the key to my understanding this crazy language and culture, but you are also just awful! So I shall be resigned to look on you as a husband looks on to his wife whose beauty has disappeared with her dignity, but she still makes a damn good chicken teriyaki and for that I will come home at 5:30 and listen to your day.

Sincerely Yours,
Stephen