Because I haven't blogged for months...

Ok, because I haven't blogged for months I'm making up for it with 2 blogs! HAZZAH!

This one is about getting Japanese girls phone numbers.

Recently in the past 2 months I find myself filling my cell phone with names (all in kanji I can't read) and numbers! It is an amazing experience when a girl agrees to exchange phone numbers. In Japan we all have infrared sensors that allow us to send our phones information (name, number, email, blood type, star sign, fears, favorite baby names, favorite alloys, etc.) by just holding our phones together and clicking a button. This act of exchanging phone numbers by this infrared sensor is often referred to as "phone sex." Not to be confused with talking dirty on the phone, but perhaps because before exchanging information one person asks should I give you my information or receive it first. "give it" or "receive it"? This question always results in a giggle. Then the next awkward part happens. Why isn't the information being sent quickly? Which in the turns to both parties positioning their phones in the most strange positions trying to find where the sensors are located on the phone to create maximum signal strength. "Maybe I should flip it like this and then if you turn yours to the left and shake it a bit...AH! THERE WE GO!"

After this process is completed both parties walk away feeling a sense of accomplishment. AHA! I have just put a new name in my book! Score one for me!

For me this process has been taking place quite often. Why? I honestly don't know. Why would any girl really want my phone number? I often think that perhaps maybe during this season girls get very lonely and their self-esteem drops thus risking providing their number for anyone including a confused looking foreigner. Or perhaps it is during this season that I have really come into my own in this country. I mean, my japanese is much better than before, I have lowered my standards a lot, and I've realized that no Japanese person will refuse exchanging numbers if you ask. Perhaps it is a combination of all the above to create a perfect storm of phone number exchanges.

So no matter the cause or how phone numbers are exchanged what happens afterward? Generally there is a follow up email: "Hey! That party was fun. I can't believe you like EXILE!" or "Where did you learn all the words to the backstreet boys songs?" or "Did you make it home? I thought about driving you to the hospital, but you looked so happy in that ditch."

In which I think of the most clever responses to create any desperate heart to smile. But regardless of my own personal technique I believe it possible for anyone to come here and to have a successful cell phone exchange experience if they just follow a few basic rules:

1. Lower your standards. It doesn't matter who it is - having their name in your phone will fill up your contact list and make you feel like you have friends.
2. Pressure them into giving it to you. If they act reluctant just take their phone and do it yourself. They won't stop you.
3. Get them really drunk. That's when they're most vulnerable.
4. Use blackmail. Dig up dirt on them before you meet them. This will force them into a tough spot of risking their reputation or becoming your friend.
5. Bribery. "Why don't you come to America with me?!!!" You wouldn't believe how much that works. (note: don't actually take them to America. This is a sign of marriage proposal and could lead you into a forced marriage by your town)
6. Steal their phone. If you just steal their phone not only do you have their number, but a reason for a "second date". "Hey Naomi, I have your phone in my house let's meet at Cafe Gusto and I'll give it back to you." PERFECT!
7. Ask what cell phone provider they use. "We both use AU! Wow! What a coincidence! Let's exchange numbers!!" (Note: This is not really a coincidence as there are only 3 real cell phone providers in Japan)
8. Lastly, use ninja techniques. The original ninjas were not spies or assassins. No, the original ninja's were just lonely guys trying to get some girls number and willing to go to any extreme to get it. The emperor/shoguns/warlords of japan knew this and exploited the ninja's for their own personal gain promising an endless amount of girl contacts.


So their you have it. The cell phone exchange is one of the most important cultural experiences anyone can experience. I hope you can one day enjoy this as I have. GOOD LUCK!

Uchi Soto. I DON'T KNOW!

As I sit at home sipping on my whiskey and Borkum Riff Vanilla flavored tobacco I wonder if I'm sober enough to write a post for my blog. Of course I've done the drunk test in which I touch my cheeks for feeling. I can feel a sensation. HOORAY! SOBER! As I sit at home sometimes it is easy to forget how much I have had to drink. Back home I could easily tell because people's words would stop making sense. But here it's difficult. Even when I'm at my maximum intellectual capacity I find myself lacking in understanding. Therefore I am in a constant state of confusion; "Am I drunk or not?" I often ask myself "WHAT HE SAY?" "WHY HE TALK FUNNY?" "WHY THAT MAN ON THE TV ALWAYS BOWIN DOWN TO LOOK AT HIS SHOES?"




But when I take a step back from all of this I come to a startling realization. HOLY SH** I'm total soto here. Total outsider. I mean I am gaijin. That's why I don't understand. For example the other day my school was having our annual school festival. We were having a chorus competition. Each class prepared a song and sang in front of the school. The teachers also participated. One teacher came to me and asked "Ah stephen will you sing with the teachers for the contest?" In which I replied in horrible Japanese, "I hope so! But I don't have the music. I'll get it from my supervisor."

After asking my supervisor for music he then proceeded to say, "Stephen it is in Japanese and it is an old Japanese song. You don't know it." I said, "No problem, I can read hiragana and I majored in music! I'll pick it up quickly." He then said, "But maybe it is best if you stay in the back and watch." in which I replied with my head down walking away and the charlie brown music playing "ok". This is just one example of the many times I get treated like the outsider.

Of course being an outsider isn't so bad. If there is a stupid rule I don't want to follow I just pretend I don't understand. I have never officially taken a vacation day in a year. I can get out of teacher meetings and when the salesmen come into the office I just look at them funny and bite at my shoulder until they leave.

Not to mention being an outsider gives me immediate street cred. All I do and say is looked on as something awesome. I was asked to introduce one of the classes choir groups in English. No one understood a word I said, but they looked on saying "AMAZING!!!!" No one understands, but that's what makes it cool. I'm like the cool kid in high school who never really spoke, wore t-shirts under long sleeve shirts under t-shirts and when he did speak it was something completely incomprehensible, but you probably thought it held the weight of the world on it. Sometimes when I'm at school I rap for the students. They look on in awe as I spew words that would make any b-boy's ears bleed internally leaking blood into his stomach causing his ph balance to be tipped which in then turns causes him to vomit and poop blood for a year.

So I am not uchi, insider, nor am I completely soto here. What am I? I'm this weird enigma in the Japanese system that leaves some Japanese scratching their heads in confusion, some people look at it as a learning experience, and some just cry. While many others just turn to alcohol. Alcohol becomes a everyones best friend here. It has really helped with my Japanese!

At least I think it helps with my Japanese...or maybe my English becomes so bad that it doesn't really make a difference which language I speak because it's all just going to be "mumble mumble BEER! mumble mumble girl like me? mumble mumble SHORT PEOPLE!!! mumble mumble I DON'T THINK BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN REALLY LIKES AMERICA...."

But anyways, I find myself digressing from my main point of this blog. So let me wrap it up with this last bit of information. Regardless of being an "insider" or "outsider" This place is freaking amazing. The role I play no matter how stretching it is for me or the people around me really is amazing. And with that I will lay on my tatami mats staring at my ripped shoji with a smile and say "Thank you God for this place."