American Joke

As gaijin in Japan we all find ourselves in incredibly awkward situations all the time. Whether it be not understanding the lady at the checkout counter or committing some terrible social faux pas which attracts a response of the crowd around you sucking air through their teeth and pronouncing "ダメだよ！”As foreigners have endured the struggle to overcome such situations we have devloped a few methods to smoothe out any situation.

The most popular being - "American Joke" You can repeat these words after saying and doing almost anything and it will turns peoples eyes that wreak of judgement and hate to that of giggles and smiles. Oh no! You just passed food chopstick to chopstick "YOU CANT DO THAT!" yells that old woman, but it's ok, because AMERICAN JOKE! HAHA! Oh what's that? You just called your boss "stupid A%! muthaf!#$&!" No problem because "American Joke!"

Another thing you can do if you find yourself in a terrible situation is just remind everyone you don't speak Japanese. When the cops pull you over for speeding just throw up your arms and say "I DON'T SPEAK JAPANESE!" and drive away. Problem solved. You are hungry and take food off of another table at the restaurant. "You can't do that!" yells the waitress. Just yell back, "I DONT SPEAK JAPANESE!" Bam! Solved.

The third way to maneuver out of a tough situation is to you use your gaijin strength. All gaijin have been equipped with super human strength that gives us the ability to dunk a basketball, grow tall, hit home runs, and speak in a loud voice in public places. Oh no your boss wants you to work overtime, but not pay you for it? Just yell some words until your boss sheepishly walks away. Everyone knows a Japanese person can never so "no." Oh, you like that girl over there? No problem, ask her on a date and if she starts to hestitate make your voice louder and louder until she finally gives a "maybe" and bam! GIRLFRIEND! The restaurant is crowded and you and your 15 gaijin friends cant sit at one table? No problem. Use the GAIJIN SMASH! Just start talking and drinking in the aisle until everyone runs away. Now the restaurant is yours for you and your friends to enjoy.

I hope these tips help you as you tip toe around the Japanese tradition. Good luck!

DINNER TIME!

You know that feeling you get every night down there? Nope, just above that...that's right the stomach region. A deep hurting pain as if your stomach is a 13 year old girl and she just saw Justin Bieber kiss another girl. This sensation is often referred to as hunger.


In America when people are hungry we always say, "I WANT MCDONALDS!" or "IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATERBOARDING MY APPETITE!" (we love references to waterboarding). But in Japan when people are hungry there is often a cacophony of "onaka suita" or "my stomach is empty" In any given Japanese family from the young taro tanaka to the grand master ojiisan these words are often repeated multiple times until the great rice god delivers the food into their mouths. The great rice god is always welcomed with "itatakimasu" or which loosely translates to "don't let me get fat like the americans" in which the rice god complies offering a low carb rice recommended by the Miami beach diet. This is one of the main secrets to the japanese people being able to stay slim.

But what happens if you are a foreigner like me whom the rice god despises and left to fend for yourself. Well, there are three main options for foreigner to obtain food.
1. Neighbors vegetable garden
2. 7/11
3. the Supermaket

1. The neighbors vegetable garden offers a variety of delicious foods, but be careful because these foods are in short supply. If the neighbors start asking questions about missing fruits and vegetables its best just to blame that "other foreigner down the street" because let's face it...it's either you or him in this town and its best to distinguish yourself as the "good foreigner"

2. The 7/11 is equivalent to the hatch on the island lost. There is a never ending supply of foods and drinks in this little place and no one knows where it comes from. You are comfortable just staying there all the time and you never really want to wonder too far away. However, at one point you may get tired of eating onigiri and drinking pocari sweat. At this point you will realize that there is the great amazing supermarket.

3. The supa is a place of mysteries, magics, and wonderments. You walk in and think this is similar to my grocery store back home but for shorter people. But as you traverse the aisles you notice the fish head eyes staring at you and the endless variations of green tea. You think to yourself lets start off in a safe place and quickly rush to the chocolate and chips section. Where you can be saved by a miniature bag of dorito's and hershey's chocolate! SAFE!
As you regain your confidence you continue to walk around and find something that looks like fried chicken, some sushi rolls, and some kind of toast pizza. Perhaps you can really eat foreign foods here? You quickly buy these goods not looking anyone in the face because everyone is judging you by what you are buying. So to play it cool you grab some lettuce, broccoli, and what looks to be some kind of dairy product. Oh NO! You made it halfway to your car and you realized that tonight you will be alone again and you are out of beer. You run back in buy the first thing your hand grabs because it all tastes the same anyways which is probably a kirin green label.


You get back home open your bag of delights and your newly fermented beer and enjoy it while watching some japanese tv which probably consists of a man in a penguin suit playing air hockey.

Then the next night is repeated all over again.