My First Date (In Japanese)

It was a week ago that I finally convinced a Japanese girl to go on a date with me. How you ask? Well, It's as much as a surprise to me as it is to you. I mean honestly, I don't even speak Japanese, or at least enough to convey my hilarious wit and cunning charm. Well, it all started when I went to this house party. I knew there would be some cuties there and I thought I would do some impressing. First, I decided to relate as much as I could to Japanese culture to show her I wasn't closed minded. That's right...I dressed up like a ninja. Which was appropriate because that's exactly what geisha's love (all house parties in japan are hosted by geisha's).


So I was at this party being all stealth and lurking in the shadows going to get beer from the fridge. When this Geisha somehow noticed me. She somehow knew that I was going for a Suntory Premium Malt beer. In which she opened me a can and poured it into my glass. "Thanks" I said all ninja like. I then said, "Hey let's go on a date" and at first she said, "Nooooooooooooo" all girly like. I asked her again, and she said, "noooooooooooooooooooo." I then asked her again and she said, "ok." A girl always says yes after the third try. But that's how I got a date.

So I'm sure I'll be getting a lot of questions asking "How do I get a Japanese girlfriend?" Well, here is a little tutorial video to help you (be sure to watch all 4 videos):

Dear Japanese TV,

I've been seeing you now for the past 7 months and I think it is time we have a "DTR" (define the relationship) talk. At first I was taken with your bright colors and your strange language. You were uttering the answers to the mysterious of this universe...or so I thought. You introduced me to so many new ideas and ways of thinking I never thought possible. But now I find that things have gone astray. You no longer intrigue with me with your colors or your language. In fact I know much of what you are saying now. For the past seven months I have been studying your words diligenty trying to make sense in hope of finding answers to my deepest longings, but alas I feel betrayed!!

I should have realized the warning signs earlier before giving my heart so freely. They were clearly there. I mean, half of your channels are about people eating food, and the other half are people watching other people eating food. I should have known this relationship would not end well. I thought each word you spoke would lead me to wisdom and clarity, but no...half of your words make me want to punch my neighbors cat in the throat. I mean how many different ways can you say "delicious!" honestly! And how can everything you eat really make you look like you just won a million dollars while simultaneously being shocked with 10000 volts of electricity. I know that piece of kaarage was not "UMAI!!!!!!" it must have been sitting in the sun for days before that street vendor gave it to you. I know you are trying to make exciting programs that are entertaining for everyone. You are trying hard and for this I appreciate you. My soul is torn for you still hold the key to my understanding this crazy language and culture, but you are also just awful! So I shall be resigned to look on you as a husband looks on to his wife whose beauty has disappeared with her dignity, but she still makes a damn good chicken teriyaki and for that I will come home at 5:30 and listen to your day.

Sincerely Yours,
Stephen