American Joke

As gaijin in Japan we all find ourselves in incredibly awkward situations all the time. Whether it be not understanding the lady at the checkout counter or committing some terrible social faux pas which attracts a response of the crowd around you sucking air through their teeth and pronouncing "ダメだよ！”As foreigners have endured the struggle to overcome such situations we have devloped a few methods to smoothe out any situation.

The most popular being - "American Joke" You can repeat these words after saying and doing almost anything and it will turns peoples eyes that wreak of judgement and hate to that of giggles and smiles. Oh no! You just passed food chopstick to chopstick "YOU CANT DO THAT!" yells that old woman, but it's ok, because AMERICAN JOKE! HAHA! Oh what's that? You just called your boss "stupid A%! muthaf!#$&!" No problem because "American Joke!"

Another thing you can do if you find yourself in a terrible situation is just remind everyone you don't speak Japanese. When the cops pull you over for speeding just throw up your arms and say "I DON'T SPEAK JAPANESE!" and drive away. Problem solved. You are hungry and take food off of another table at the restaurant. "You can't do that!" yells the waitress. Just yell back, "I DONT SPEAK JAPANESE!" Bam! Solved.

The third way to maneuver out of a tough situation is to you use your gaijin strength. All gaijin have been equipped with super human strength that gives us the ability to dunk a basketball, grow tall, hit home runs, and speak in a loud voice in public places. Oh no your boss wants you to work overtime, but not pay you for it? Just yell some words until your boss sheepishly walks away. Everyone knows a Japanese person can never so "no." Oh, you like that girl over there? No problem, ask her on a date and if she starts to hestitate make your voice louder and louder until she finally gives a "maybe" and bam! GIRLFRIEND! The restaurant is crowded and you and your 15 gaijin friends cant sit at one table? No problem. Use the GAIJIN SMASH! Just start talking and drinking in the aisle until everyone runs away. Now the restaurant is yours for you and your friends to enjoy.

I hope these tips help you as you tip toe around the Japanese tradition. Good luck!

DINNER TIME!

You know that feeling you get every night down there? Nope, just above that...that's right the stomach region. A deep hurting pain as if your stomach is a 13 year old girl and she just saw Justin Bieber kiss another girl. This sensation is often referred to as hunger.


In America when people are hungry we always say, "I WANT MCDONALDS!" or "IT'S LIKE SOMEBODY'S WATERBOARDING MY APPETITE!" (we love references to waterboarding). But in Japan when people are hungry there is often a cacophony of "onaka suita" or "my stomach is empty" In any given Japanese family from the young taro tanaka to the grand master ojiisan these words are often repeated multiple times until the great rice god delivers the food into their mouths. The great rice god is always welcomed with "itatakimasu" or which loosely translates to "don't let me get fat like the americans" in which the rice god complies offering a low carb rice recommended by the Miami beach diet. This is one of the main secrets to the japanese people being able to stay slim.

But what happens if you are a foreigner like me whom the rice god despises and left to fend for yourself. Well, there are three main options for foreigner to obtain food.
1. Neighbors vegetable garden
2. 7/11
3. the Supermaket

1. The neighbors vegetable garden offers a variety of delicious foods, but be careful because these foods are in short supply. If the neighbors start asking questions about missing fruits and vegetables its best just to blame that "other foreigner down the street" because let's face it...it's either you or him in this town and its best to distinguish yourself as the "good foreigner"

2. The 7/11 is equivalent to the hatch on the island lost. There is a never ending supply of foods and drinks in this little place and no one knows where it comes from. You are comfortable just staying there all the time and you never really want to wonder too far away. However, at one point you may get tired of eating onigiri and drinking pocari sweat. At this point you will realize that there is the great amazing supermarket.

3. The supa is a place of mysteries, magics, and wonderments. You walk in and think this is similar to my grocery store back home but for shorter people. But as you traverse the aisles you notice the fish head eyes staring at you and the endless variations of green tea. You think to yourself lets start off in a safe place and quickly rush to the chocolate and chips section. Where you can be saved by a miniature bag of dorito's and hershey's chocolate! SAFE!
As you regain your confidence you continue to walk around and find something that looks like fried chicken, some sushi rolls, and some kind of toast pizza. Perhaps you can really eat foreign foods here? You quickly buy these goods not looking anyone in the face because everyone is judging you by what you are buying. So to play it cool you grab some lettuce, broccoli, and what looks to be some kind of dairy product. Oh NO! You made it halfway to your car and you realized that tonight you will be alone again and you are out of beer. You run back in buy the first thing your hand grabs because it all tastes the same anyways which is probably a kirin green label.


You get back home open your bag of delights and your newly fermented beer and enjoy it while watching some japanese tv which probably consists of a man in a penguin suit playing air hockey.

Then the next night is repeated all over again.

Because I haven't blogged for months...

Ok, because I haven't blogged for months I'm making up for it with 2 blogs! HAZZAH!

This one is about getting Japanese girls phone numbers.

Recently in the past 2 months I find myself filling my cell phone with names (all in kanji I can't read) and numbers! It is an amazing experience when a girl agrees to exchange phone numbers. In Japan we all have infrared sensors that allow us to send our phones information (name, number, email, blood type, star sign, fears, favorite baby names, favorite alloys, etc.) by just holding our phones together and clicking a button. This act of exchanging phone numbers by this infrared sensor is often referred to as "phone sex." Not to be confused with talking dirty on the phone, but perhaps because before exchanging information one person asks should I give you my information or receive it first. "give it" or "receive it"? This question always results in a giggle. Then the next awkward part happens. Why isn't the information being sent quickly? Which in the turns to both parties positioning their phones in the most strange positions trying to find where the sensors are located on the phone to create maximum signal strength. "Maybe I should flip it like this and then if you turn yours to the left and shake it a bit...AH! THERE WE GO!"

After this process is completed both parties walk away feeling a sense of accomplishment. AHA! I have just put a new name in my book! Score one for me!

For me this process has been taking place quite often. Why? I honestly don't know. Why would any girl really want my phone number? I often think that perhaps maybe during this season girls get very lonely and their self-esteem drops thus risking providing their number for anyone including a confused looking foreigner. Or perhaps it is during this season that I have really come into my own in this country. I mean, my japanese is much better than before, I have lowered my standards a lot, and I've realized that no Japanese person will refuse exchanging numbers if you ask. Perhaps it is a combination of all the above to create a perfect storm of phone number exchanges.

So no matter the cause or how phone numbers are exchanged what happens afterward? Generally there is a follow up email: "Hey! That party was fun. I can't believe you like EXILE!" or "Where did you learn all the words to the backstreet boys songs?" or "Did you make it home? I thought about driving you to the hospital, but you looked so happy in that ditch."

In which I think of the most clever responses to create any desperate heart to smile. But regardless of my own personal technique I believe it possible for anyone to come here and to have a successful cell phone exchange experience if they just follow a few basic rules:

1. Lower your standards. It doesn't matter who it is - having their name in your phone will fill up your contact list and make you feel like you have friends.
2. Pressure them into giving it to you. If they act reluctant just take their phone and do it yourself. They won't stop you.
3. Get them really drunk. That's when they're most vulnerable.
4. Use blackmail. Dig up dirt on them before you meet them. This will force them into a tough spot of risking their reputation or becoming your friend.
5. Bribery. "Why don't you come to America with me?!!!" You wouldn't believe how much that works. (note: don't actually take them to America. This is a sign of marriage proposal and could lead you into a forced marriage by your town)
6. Steal their phone. If you just steal their phone not only do you have their number, but a reason for a "second date". "Hey Naomi, I have your phone in my house let's meet at Cafe Gusto and I'll give it back to you." PERFECT!
7. Ask what cell phone provider they use. "We both use AU! Wow! What a coincidence! Let's exchange numbers!!" (Note: This is not really a coincidence as there are only 3 real cell phone providers in Japan)
8. Lastly, use ninja techniques. The original ninjas were not spies or assassins. No, the original ninja's were just lonely guys trying to get some girls number and willing to go to any extreme to get it. The emperor/shoguns/warlords of japan knew this and exploited the ninja's for their own personal gain promising an endless amount of girl contacts.


So their you have it. The cell phone exchange is one of the most important cultural experiences anyone can experience. I hope you can one day enjoy this as I have. GOOD LUCK!

Uchi Soto. I DON'T KNOW!

As I sit at home sipping on my whiskey and Borkum Riff Vanilla flavored tobacco I wonder if I'm sober enough to write a post for my blog. Of course I've done the drunk test in which I touch my cheeks for feeling. I can feel a sensation. HOORAY! SOBER! As I sit at home sometimes it is easy to forget how much I have had to drink. Back home I could easily tell because people's words would stop making sense. But here it's difficult. Even when I'm at my maximum intellectual capacity I find myself lacking in understanding. Therefore I am in a constant state of confusion; "Am I drunk or not?" I often ask myself "WHAT HE SAY?" "WHY HE TALK FUNNY?" "WHY THAT MAN ON THE TV ALWAYS BOWIN DOWN TO LOOK AT HIS SHOES?"




But when I take a step back from all of this I come to a startling realization. HOLY SH** I'm total soto here. Total outsider. I mean I am gaijin. That's why I don't understand. For example the other day my school was having our annual school festival. We were having a chorus competition. Each class prepared a song and sang in front of the school. The teachers also participated. One teacher came to me and asked "Ah stephen will you sing with the teachers for the contest?" In which I replied in horrible Japanese, "I hope so! But I don't have the music. I'll get it from my supervisor."

After asking my supervisor for music he then proceeded to say, "Stephen it is in Japanese and it is an old Japanese song. You don't know it." I said, "No problem, I can read hiragana and I majored in music! I'll pick it up quickly." He then said, "But maybe it is best if you stay in the back and watch." in which I replied with my head down walking away and the charlie brown music playing "ok". This is just one example of the many times I get treated like the outsider.

Of course being an outsider isn't so bad. If there is a stupid rule I don't want to follow I just pretend I don't understand. I have never officially taken a vacation day in a year. I can get out of teacher meetings and when the salesmen come into the office I just look at them funny and bite at my shoulder until they leave.

Not to mention being an outsider gives me immediate street cred. All I do and say is looked on as something awesome. I was asked to introduce one of the classes choir groups in English. No one understood a word I said, but they looked on saying "AMAZING!!!!" No one understands, but that's what makes it cool. I'm like the cool kid in high school who never really spoke, wore t-shirts under long sleeve shirts under t-shirts and when he did speak it was something completely incomprehensible, but you probably thought it held the weight of the world on it. Sometimes when I'm at school I rap for the students. They look on in awe as I spew words that would make any b-boy's ears bleed internally leaking blood into his stomach causing his ph balance to be tipped which in then turns causes him to vomit and poop blood for a year.

So I am not uchi, insider, nor am I completely soto here. What am I? I'm this weird enigma in the Japanese system that leaves some Japanese scratching their heads in confusion, some people look at it as a learning experience, and some just cry. While many others just turn to alcohol. Alcohol becomes a everyones best friend here. It has really helped with my Japanese!

At least I think it helps with my Japanese...or maybe my English becomes so bad that it doesn't really make a difference which language I speak because it's all just going to be "mumble mumble BEER! mumble mumble girl like me? mumble mumble SHORT PEOPLE!!! mumble mumble I DON'T THINK BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN REALLY LIKES AMERICA...."

But anyways, I find myself digressing from my main point of this blog. So let me wrap it up with this last bit of information. Regardless of being an "insider" or "outsider" This place is freaking amazing. The role I play no matter how stretching it is for me or the people around me really is amazing. And with that I will lay on my tatami mats staring at my ripped shoji with a smile and say "Thank you God for this place."

Dear Japanese Wind God,

Why do you hate me so much? Do you think it's funny watching me suffer with your cynical laugh sending chills down my bones? Why do you torment me so? Why?!!!!!!

Is it because you know that there are holes in my windows and doors? Is it because you like to watch my ripped shoji flutter like a dying butterfly? Are you laughing at my vain attempts to tape up the cracks and cover them with plastic? Is it because you want me to lose all hope in staying warm and depend on my friend jack daniels to keep me company?

Is it because you are raging a war against all my umbrellas trying to break their bones with your mighty fist? Let's take a look at the score board: Wind 4. Umbrellas 0. I've spent close to $50 just on umbrellas. Not funny. Just today I caved into my stomachs hunger and walked to the grocery store a mile from my house. Using my umbrella as a shield from the wind in the rain holding it at a 90 degree angle from the ground. Well, this also meant I couldnt see the light post on the corner...at least I made for a good dinner time story for all the folks in town. Husband to wife "Oh hey honey, I saw this white guy run into a lamp post and he then proceeded to drag his broken umbrella along the ground as the rain soaked through every layer of clothing. I bet he's going to get sick. Stupid outsider." Every broken umbrella is another white flag I put up that you then take and rip to shreds.

Is it because you hate my bicycle? Do you like watching me ride at 45 degree angle just so you don't blow me over? Do you like to watch it hit the ground when it's parked outside of school? Do you count how many bikes you can knock over with one blow? Are you playing dominoes with all the students bikes?

Are you jealous of the real fury of the tornados of the midwest and envious of their destructive power? Are you trying to show the cyclones your muscles?

Are you howling loud to cover the noise from the neighbors mating cats? I hate them too. Sounds like an old woman with arthritis trying to do jumping jacks.

Is it because you have a grudge against your father and this is your way of rebelling? Why don't you do what all the kids in my high school did and just blast Blink 182 and talk about being hardcore.


Is it because you are huffing and puffing and trying to blow my house down? Not gonna happen. This house my be old, but I'm pretty sure this house has planted its roots deep in the ground like an ancient redwood. Not going anywhere.

Is it because you like to watch the birds fly in vain? Picking them up and ramming them into sides of buildings and cars?

I don't know why you are so angry wind god. But I feel like its nothing a little real soul searching couldn't fix. Take a look deep down and see what's bothering you. Let's get to heart of the problem and stop using your fury as an excuse to cover your pain. I know it will take some time, but I'm always here if you want to just talk it out.

Sincerely Yours,
A Very Cold and Wet Man

My First Date (In Japanese)

It was a week ago that I finally convinced a Japanese girl to go on a date with me. How you ask? Well, It's as much as a surprise to me as it is to you. I mean honestly, I don't even speak Japanese, or at least enough to convey my hilarious wit and cunning charm. Well, it all started when I went to this house party. I knew there would be some cuties there and I thought I would do some impressing. First, I decided to relate as much as I could to Japanese culture to show her I wasn't closed minded. That's right...I dressed up like a ninja. Which was appropriate because that's exactly what geisha's love (all house parties in japan are hosted by geisha's).


So I was at this party being all stealth and lurking in the shadows going to get beer from the fridge. When this Geisha somehow noticed me. She somehow knew that I was going for a Suntory Premium Malt beer. In which she opened me a can and poured it into my glass. "Thanks" I said all ninja like. I then said, "Hey let's go on a date" and at first she said, "Nooooooooooooo" all girly like. I asked her again, and she said, "noooooooooooooooooooo." I then asked her again and she said, "ok." A girl always says yes after the third try. But that's how I got a date.

So I'm sure I'll be getting a lot of questions asking "How do I get a Japanese girlfriend?" Well, here is a little tutorial video to help you (be sure to watch all 4 videos):

Dear Japanese TV,

I've been seeing you now for the past 7 months and I think it is time we have a "DTR" (define the relationship) talk. At first I was taken with your bright colors and your strange language. You were uttering the answers to the mysterious of this universe...or so I thought. You introduced me to so many new ideas and ways of thinking I never thought possible. But now I find that things have gone astray. You no longer intrigue with me with your colors or your language. In fact I know much of what you are saying now. For the past seven months I have been studying your words diligenty trying to make sense in hope of finding answers to my deepest longings, but alas I feel betrayed!!

I should have realized the warning signs earlier before giving my heart so freely. They were clearly there. I mean, half of your channels are about people eating food, and the other half are people watching other people eating food. I should have known this relationship would not end well. I thought each word you spoke would lead me to wisdom and clarity, but no...half of your words make me want to punch my neighbors cat in the throat. I mean how many different ways can you say "delicious!" honestly! And how can everything you eat really make you look like you just won a million dollars while simultaneously being shocked with 10000 volts of electricity. I know that piece of kaarage was not "UMAI!!!!!!" it must have been sitting in the sun for days before that street vendor gave it to you. I know you are trying to make exciting programs that are entertaining for everyone. You are trying hard and for this I appreciate you. My soul is torn for you still hold the key to my understanding this crazy language and culture, but you are also just awful! So I shall be resigned to look on you as a husband looks on to his wife whose beauty has disappeared with her dignity, but she still makes a damn good chicken teriyaki and for that I will come home at 5:30 and listen to your day.

Sincerely Yours,
Stephen